“We’re Being Hunted”: Terrified Bedbug Families Speak Out

 This exclusive by The Gravel brings to you a polarizing, highly relevant issue plaguing the CSU Law community right underneath the surface (of our basement furniture upholstery). 

Bedbug families across the nation (the CSU Law Library basement) are being targeted at unprecedented rates. On August 26, 2024, the bedbug community underwent the greatest tragedy in their history. In what is now known as The Great Extermination, hundreds of thousands of bedbugs were slaughtered in cold blood after their habitats were identified by members of the radical bedbug opposition group, the CSU Law Student Body. In one swift swoop, a spray of Raid caused the nationwide bedbug population to be cut in half.  

Bedbug Bob, a long time resident of the basement

Members of the bedbug community, Larry and his wife, Lucy, discuss the harrowing tale from their perspective. “My son Louis was just sitting in his bedroom (on the armrest of a couch in the basement) when he was doused in poison,” Larry stated, struggling to recount the traumatic events. “I saw it happen,” Lucy added through tears, “but I was on the other side of the house (a few inches up on the armrest). I couldn’t get to him in time.”  

Countless families across the nation share stories that are almost identical to that of Larry and Lucy. “I don’t know what’s worse,” Marcia expressed to me, “the fact that my husband was killed in cold blood by these evil people or that students step over his body every day when they refill their water bottles on the way to their classes. I think one of his legs broke off and is still stuck to the back of one student’s Converse All Stars. No one should ever see their loved ones in such a state.”    Some prominent members of the bedbug community not only lament the lack of peace between the bedbugs and the human world but also plan to exact their revenge. “Students used to walk right by us and know nothing about where we were or what we did. Our two nations used to live peacefully side by side until now,” C. I. Mexlectularius, Mayor of Bedbug City and militant bedbug activist, fumed in an exclusive interview. “Peace is no longer an option.”  

Upon asking him if a student’s recent finding of Second Stage Larvae foot soldiers in her Stanley cup straw was his doing, he declined to comment and abruptly ended the interview.