Breaking: Estranged Relative You Barely Speak to “Glad There Will be a Lawyer in the Family”

(Washington, D.C.): In a move sending shockwaves through extended family group chats nationwide, reports confirm that your distant cousin Greg—whom you haven’t spoken to since the 2018 family reunion—has officially declared his enthusiasm over the fact that he will be able to “give you a call,” if he ever “ends up in a jam.”  

Sources close to the situation say Greg, whose last known profession was “something with crypto,” reached out via a Facebook message at 2:37 AM, citing his excitement about your legal education and subtly inquiring about “a little situation” he’s dealing with regarding the IRS. Experts suspect this marks the beginning of a sustained campaign of unsolicited legal inquiries from relatives who previously showed little interest in your existence. 

Political analysts note that Greg’s statement is part of a broader trend affecting first-generation law students across the country. According to a recent study by the American Association of Law Students with Overbearing Relatives (AALSOR), 92% of respondents reported being asked to “just look over” a lease, traffic ticket, or vague “business idea” at least once before passing the bar. 

Despite your repeated public statements clarifying that “law school is not the same as being a lawyer,” scholars predict that you will continue to be mistaken for a licensed attorney until further notice. In response to these allegations, your great-aunt Linda—who has not spoken to you since Thanksgiving, 2012—has issued a statement asking if you might be able to help her “get her will drawn up real quick.” 

In related news, a mutual friend from undergrad who never responded to your 2023 text message regarding “grabbing coffee” has now reached out with a “super quick question” about how to get out of a non-compete agreement. More on this developing story as it unfolds.